This is why I have to work two jobs.

11:00 p.m. – Go to sleep with high hopes for first day off work in 6 weeks. Expect magical adventures upon reentry into the waking world.

10 a.m. – Wake up. Realize that bedroom is roughly the temperature of the sun. Become instantly annoyed at sun’s existence for causing heat in the first place. Stumble into the spare bedroom in search of fan.

10:30 – Decide that search is futile and return to bed. Attempt sleep until sun-baked discomfort is too much to handle. Drag body to kitchen in attempt to rehydrate.

10:45 – Drink body weight in water. Lose sensation of being landlocked fish. Begin to feel like over-filled water bed with feet. Lie on kitchen floor in an attempt to recover.

11:05 – Try and convince parents that floor-based nap is in no way hangover related. Fail miserably. Apologize for impeding their access to cinnamon rolls.

11:10 – Stare mindlessly at television in living room.

1:00 p.m. – Lose control of the remote to Dad. Become outraged by his ability to find constant reruns of “Two and a Half Men”. Leave living room in desperate attempt to escape subpar sitcom.

1:05 – Stare mindlessly at television in bed room.

4:00 – Wake up. Realize bulk of day off has already been wasted. Subsequently realize that room is STILL TOO EFFING HOT. Hate May 14^th in general.

4:05 – Attempt to be productive. Again, fail miserably.

4:30 – Become enthralled with episode of ‘True Life’ on MTV. Develop emotional investment in college grad with 11 siblings. Try to microwave Marshmallow Peeps from Easter.

5:00 – Hate all 11 siblings. Start speaking with Jersey accent as show of support for aforementioned college grad. Confirm that microwaved Peeps are delicious.

5:45 – Leave home to procure food. Realize day is not going to be as magical as originally anticipated. Immediately hate everyone in grocery store.

6:00 – Hear ‘The Lazy Song’ on the drive home. Become jealous of fictional day off. Want to punch Bruno Mars in the face.

6:05 – Return home. Perform half-ass search for evening plans. Remember majority of friends live in Louisiana. Home sick ensues. Facebook creep in desperate attempt to feel close to BR.

7:00 – Get invited to BBQ on Sunday. Discover it starts the same time as shift at work. Make jump from ‘annoyed’ to ‘homicidal’.

8:30 – Give up on day having any redeeming qualities. Decide that any evening plans not involving unicorns and gold-plated malt liquor are unacceptable. Hate entire county.   

8:45 – Attempt to write conclusion to blog trilogy.

9:00 – Room is too hot to use laptop. Get distracted by Storage Wars.

9:35 – Finally find window fan. Try and resume blogging. Too angry to be nostalgic. Decide to whine instead. Feel like a loser. Ask cat why day has been so awful.

9:50 – Realize that cat-based conversations are not helping feelings of loser-ness. Debate completing and posting whining entry. Worry that readers will be alienated/not entertained by bitter musings.

9:55 – Remember that entire universe is on ‘Hate’ list at the moment. Complete entry out of spite. Practice evil laugh while adjusting html code on blog.

10:00 – Explain laughter to Mom. Agree that yes, it will be a very long summer.

10:05 – Seriously consider deleting entry again. Mom asks why no friends have been made during year in the tundra.  Definitely decide to post entry. Actually hope readers are offended.

10:10 – Check number of Facebook friends on-line. Realize it’s Saturday night – there will be no readers to offend.

10:30 – Officially give up weekend in general.

10:35 – Readers officially give up on blog in general.